Tea

Good morning, loves (because it's about fifteen after twelve in the morning).

In my abode I have several boxes of tea. Those would be: English Breakfast, a box of random teas, Vanilla Chai, French Vanilla, and Blueberry Green tea.

I see a problem here.

I'm out of Earl Grey. 

I would go and buy some, but like I said. It's much too early in the morning to go running around outside at this hour. EG is quite possibly my favourite tea (by that I mean it IS). How shall I go on without it? Of course, I've got about six hours or so until the sun rises, but I'll probably be asleep by then.

Tonight I didn't take my medication. Why? It wasn't accidental of course, but I wanted to see what it'd be like to go through a night un-medicated. Kind of a rash decision, I know, but I rather miss the early morning hours (by that I mean three in the morning).

I'm having trouble with image issues, but you can read about that on my other blog (bruises and bitemarks). 

My nails have been breaking. It took ever so long to grow them out!

As you can see, this is a rather boring post, so I'll stop it here.

Good morning,

Lady Grey.

School

Hello, all.

So today was my first day back in school.

It wasn't so horrid. In fact, it was rather good! I spend an awful amount of time in front of a computer screen, but that's alright. I met some lovely people, despite my aura that screams "I want to be alone".

But I enjoyed it. The bus ride is much too long for my liking, but I think I can deal with it. I'll miss the days where I could write all day long, but those are over now. I've only got my blessed weekends now.

As it seems, your lady is quite tired now.

Good night, loves.

Yours,

Lady Grey

Uniforms

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen (what an ironic word).

I've been terribly depressed since the night before my last post. Yesterday I began to feel better...until we all went to Walmart to buy pants. Not just any pants, mind you, uniform pants. Today I woke up sore all over from the walk I went on yesterday. Also today, I bought shirts (or rather father bought me shirts) from a uniform outfitter store. Navy, black and white. With the drab school logo.

So as you can tell, I feel completely stripped of my identity. Starting Wednesday the fifth I will be nothing more than a student a Mosley PLC high school. Wearing the same thing as everyone else with slight variation.

Now, normally I'd be perfectly happy about a uniform. If it had anything to do with plaid skirts, ties and sweater vests...or a sailor uniform. But alas, we live in America. Fashion lies elsewhere or in the past. School uniforms can be cute, but polo shirts will never look acceptable on anyone. Ever. If I'm not already, this school year will drive me mad. I'm sure of it.

Because my first day of school is tomorrow. Starting at nine o clock tomorrow morning I will be a student at Mosley PLC. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that, however, for I'd gotten rather used to sitting at home blogging all day.

But all ladies deserve an education. Of course, that includes me. I'll be forced (once again) to hide my pain and suffering from the outside world. By that I mean everyone.

I suppose I'll write again tomorrow after school. If I can remember, that is.

Until then,

Lady Grey

Depression

I’m going through a depressive phase,

I’m lost but I’ll find other ways,

I’m crying but I won't shed a tear,

As I suffer through these painful years.

~ Lady Grey

Good Morning.

Last night I found myself feeling very upset. Why? No particular reason. But I am certain that it will last a while. Depression is quite common for me, phases lasting anywhere from a few hours to several weeks. 

And today is no different. There is something bothering me, but I am not in a position to speak openly about it. Why? Because I have sworn to keep my damn mouth shut. People are listening. People are reading. People are watching. Watching my every movement, never letting me have a moment of peace.

All I want to do today is sleep, but alas. That is also not an option. Today I drew a few illustrations of my own grave, and several young ladies in various states of undress being stabbed through the stomach with swords. One is even a picture of a young lady committing suicide with one of said swords. Art usually helps me, but today I was only able to draw that which is grim and reflects how I feel on the inside.

I do not want to eat, I do not want to draw anymore, I do not wish to do anything. All I want is to sleep. I'd sleep forever if I could. But alas, that is yet another option that is not available at this given time. Father knows that I am upset, but I keep most of my suffering and pain and the reasons for this suffering and pain hidden inside me.

Last night I cried. A small part of me died a little too. I'm afraid that that death inside my very soul will spread to the rest of me, giving those who have hurt me the pleasure of stating "I hurt this girl. That was my plan all along".

For women such as myself should be seen and not heard. Her emotions are to be kept silent, and everyone will be none the wiser.

Love,

Lady Grey

Flattery Will Get You Nowhere With Me

Hello, Loves.

Flattery.

I hate it.

I don't even know if they're just teasing me or not anymore. People have said that they love me more times than I feel comfortable with. Maybe it's because of the fact that I rarely go out of my way to be around people. Perhaps I have changed since the last time I was around too many people? Have I become attractive? Or is it just horrible teasing, people trying to make me snap.

At the hospital people kept telling me they liked me. One girl wouldn't shut up about how "in love" with me she was. I don't feel comfortable with it. I hate it. I was not raised to be flattered. So That's why I'm afraid of it. 

One of my best friends betrayed me this summer. Several months ago he began asking me strange questions. Then in July he said that we should meet up. Not two days later he told me he wanted to fuck me in the ass. he even asked for lewd pictures of me. I felt so horrible. I know he wasn't just being funny. He kept telling me that it wouldn't count because I'm gay. I know that the only reason he did that was because he'd never gotten the chance to do something like that before, he wanted experience, and that I was emotionally damaged at that time. My mother had just left. And he took advantage of me.

I have lost the ability to love.

Everyone whom I've ever loved has hurt me in some way, except for my father and step mum. I didn't love those people at the hospital, nor did I love the idiot who harassed me in July. But I feel uncomfortable with it. If someone truly did fall in love with me, I would never love them back. 

I feel sick. The tea only made me feel sicker. I don't know what to do.

Sincerely,

Lady Grey

Lady Grey

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen

I feel that it is time for me to paint a picture. Of whom, you ask? Why, of myself. I feel that I could gain better understanding from whoever reads this If they can put a name to a face.
So here we go.

Name: Lady Grey (like the tea)

Age: 17

Date of Birth: February 4th, 1841

Family: Father, Step Mother, Sister, Brother, Mother (Whereabouts Unknown)

Religion: Wicca

Sexual Orientation: Lesbian

Hobbies: Drawing, Writing Music, Playing the Violin, Reading, Writing, Poetry, Counting Calories, Manga, Anime,

Mental Illness: PTSD, Cutting, Impulsive Behaviour, Anger, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Homicidal Thoughts

Hospitalizations: Twice, Holly Hill Mental Hospital

Medications: 2mg Risperdal, 1mg Cogentin, 100mg Lamictal daily

Notable Fears: Men, Human Contact, Sex, Childbirth, Pregnancy, Mother, Abuse, Hospitals, Spiders, Doctors, People in General, The Future

Physical Illness: None

Country of Origin: Unknown

Other: Was verbally abused by mother for sixteen years. Appears to be a small child, but is a young woman in actuality. Severe fear of men. Could snap at any moment.

Welcome to my world, Ladies and Gentlemen. I am Lady Grey

An Introduction

I do not believe I am mad. 

But what is your definition of "mad"? I cannot count how many times I have asked myself this. For what is madness? What is insanity? Are they perhaps the same thing? Every official definition I've ever read has turned out different from the rest. So I could not tell you or I, even if I wanted to.

But what if I suddenly stopped hiding my true self under the many layers of lies, and let it all out at once. Perhaps then I would be considered mad? Would I end up hurting myself? Of course. Would I end up hurting others, physically and mentally? Of course. Would I tear apart the lives of both myself and those around me? Of course. Would I be looked upon as one who has "gone mad"? Most definitely.

Of course, most people I've ever gotten close to already consider me to be "mad" or "crazy". And they haven't even seen half of what I am capable of! Or is it that they simply do not like me? My hair, my shoes, my voice, anything! But they've all seen me scream. They've all seen me attempt to jump off a second story indoor balcony. They've seen me laugh at nothing. But that's not even half of it. 

Do I dream of hurting myself? Every day. Do I dream of hurting others? Every day. For I can see it playing within my mind and before my very eyes every time I look at someone. Sometimes (and by that I mean quite often) I imagine myself strangling whomever happens to be standing innocently in front of me, paying me absolutely no mind whatsoever. And then I look upon myself as a sickeningly horrible person. It's scary, even to me.

So as you can tell, it's best that I keep my mouth shut and my body still. It hurts to bury these feelings into the back of my mind, for they always come out at random intervals (rather inappropriately might I add). I refuse to cry on the outside. I cry on the inside. I refuse to hurt myself. I hurt myself on the inside. I hide this supposed madness inside me. It tears me apart, yes, but it keeps those around me safe.

But what about me? Am I safe? of course not. No words can possibly explain how I feel. At this very moment, I feel the need to hurt myself. But will I? No. For I cannot risk my feelings being let out into the open.

For a woman such as myself is meant to be seen, and not heard. At least, that is what I've been told.

Love,

You're very own,

Lady Grey.