Depression

I’m going through a depressive phase,

I’m lost but I’ll find other ways,

I’m crying but I won't shed a tear,

As I suffer through these painful years.

~ Lady Grey

Good Morning.

Last night I found myself feeling very upset. Why? No particular reason. But I am certain that it will last a while. Depression is quite common for me, phases lasting anywhere from a few hours to several weeks. 

And today is no different. There is something bothering me, but I am not in a position to speak openly about it. Why? Because I have sworn to keep my damn mouth shut. People are listening. People are reading. People are watching. Watching my every movement, never letting me have a moment of peace.

All I want to do today is sleep, but alas. That is also not an option. Today I drew a few illustrations of my own grave, and several young ladies in various states of undress being stabbed through the stomach with swords. One is even a picture of a young lady committing suicide with one of said swords. Art usually helps me, but today I was only able to draw that which is grim and reflects how I feel on the inside.

I do not want to eat, I do not want to draw anymore, I do not wish to do anything. All I want is to sleep. I'd sleep forever if I could. But alas, that is yet another option that is not available at this given time. Father knows that I am upset, but I keep most of my suffering and pain and the reasons for this suffering and pain hidden inside me.

Last night I cried. A small part of me died a little too. I'm afraid that that death inside my very soul will spread to the rest of me, giving those who have hurt me the pleasure of stating "I hurt this girl. That was my plan all along".

For women such as myself should be seen and not heard. Her emotions are to be kept silent, and everyone will be none the wiser.

Love,

Lady Grey