An Introduction

I do not believe I am mad. 

But what is your definition of "mad"? I cannot count how many times I have asked myself this. For what is madness? What is insanity? Are they perhaps the same thing? Every official definition I've ever read has turned out different from the rest. So I could not tell you or I, even if I wanted to.

But what if I suddenly stopped hiding my true self under the many layers of lies, and let it all out at once. Perhaps then I would be considered mad? Would I end up hurting myself? Of course. Would I end up hurting others, physically and mentally? Of course. Would I tear apart the lives of both myself and those around me? Of course. Would I be looked upon as one who has "gone mad"? Most definitely.

Of course, most people I've ever gotten close to already consider me to be "mad" or "crazy". And they haven't even seen half of what I am capable of! Or is it that they simply do not like me? My hair, my shoes, my voice, anything! But they've all seen me scream. They've all seen me attempt to jump off a second story indoor balcony. They've seen me laugh at nothing. But that's not even half of it. 

Do I dream of hurting myself? Every day. Do I dream of hurting others? Every day. For I can see it playing within my mind and before my very eyes every time I look at someone. Sometimes (and by that I mean quite often) I imagine myself strangling whomever happens to be standing innocently in front of me, paying me absolutely no mind whatsoever. And then I look upon myself as a sickeningly horrible person. It's scary, even to me.

So as you can tell, it's best that I keep my mouth shut and my body still. It hurts to bury these feelings into the back of my mind, for they always come out at random intervals (rather inappropriately might I add). I refuse to cry on the outside. I cry on the inside. I refuse to hurt myself. I hurt myself on the inside. I hide this supposed madness inside me. It tears me apart, yes, but it keeps those around me safe.

But what about me? Am I safe? of course not. No words can possibly explain how I feel. At this very moment, I feel the need to hurt myself. But will I? No. For I cannot risk my feelings being let out into the open.

For a woman such as myself is meant to be seen, and not heard. At least, that is what I've been told.

Love,

You're very own,

Lady Grey.